About snails

I hate snails.

I really, really hate them.

It’s always the same story: the rain has just stopped, you strolled down the pedestrian path, enjoying the cool air, when suddenly, THEY appeared before you.  Like something that popped out of an alien film, they slither across the field, waiting for their unsuspecting victims.  And before they knew it, “CRRRRACK!”, their pitiful lives ended under some poor soul’s shoes.  Seriously, what kind of life form would choose this kind of life?  If you see them, they creep you out.  If you don’t see them, they end up dead under you.  Oh, how I hate snails so.

Snails have four eyes.  That’s just wrong.  Two eyes are normal.  Three eyes, I considered as OK, because Er Lang Shen from Journey to the West had three eyes.  Four eyes?  Damn, only if you’re wearing spectacles.  The children storybooks always try to make them look innocent by disguising them as creatures who have two eyes and two horns/moustache.   I tell you, snails are anything but innocent.  They are the devil reincarnated.  Damn you, snails!

Snail’s shell.  Now, that’s another abomination.  Curvaceous and hypnotic, it gives beautiful ladies a bad name.  Its earthly colour tone camouflages its occupant, allowing it to fulfil its destiny of sneaking under somebody’s shoes.  You starting to see how devious this little vermin is?

But what’s worse than the snails themselves?  The snail-eaters, of course.  Dudes, snails exist for only one reason: to be at the bottom of the food chain, so that other animals can feed on them.  Why, oh why, then, do you want to subject yourselves to eating earth scum?  Just because some French dude covered it with garlic and spices and gave it a fancy name like ‘escargot’?  A snail by any other name would taste as yucky, as Juliet would say to Romeo in a very odd alternate universe.  O common sense, where art thou?

I SO hate snails.